Thursday, March 13, 2014

No Self Esteem

I never really know how to accept a compliment from someone else. Especially from a stranger, it's so hard when someone tells me I'm pretty but I don't feel pretty. Just a simple thank you would do but I can never get the words out of my mouth.

My husband always seems to complement me on the days I feel the worst. When my head is hurting or when I feel so ugly and fat he always knows the right things to say to make me feel better. But I just can't say thank you and I don't know how to accept it and be grateful so then I feel horrible because I rejected his compliment. What's wrong with me?!?! Apparently I have a very low self esteem and its buried down deep, i just hide it well. And I am sure I am not the only one. I am just the one of the few willing to share my story.

The bullying started in 2nd grade when I was 8, I got glasses.

Then when I was 11 I moved from my moms to my dads to a new school with no friends. They bullied me there too. Kids are mean! They picked on me and my little brother.
 It was a very hard 2 years in 7th & 8th grade.

Then there was high school where 3 different girls I know wanted to beat me up and told me all the time and I still don't know why. Boys always breaking up with me because I wouldn't go to bed with them and the endless drama between the girls. So needless to say I never really fit in and still don't to this day. 

I had to learn to like myself no matter what anyone else thought. My self confidence comes from they way my parents raised me. I am naturally outgoing and I love to talk to people. So like most people do I push those feelings far back in my mind and dress up nice and socialize trying to forget.
But when I am in pain from a headache (sometimes for days at a time) that is when satan really gets in my head. I have learned that no matter what comes against me I will not lay down and die. I refuse to let the devil steal my joy. I am not a lazy person and I am not a quitter! My husband and children need me and just because I am in pain doesn't give me the right to give up on life. I have to keep going. I have too much to do and these little lives depend on me.

So (after 22 years with headaches) I have learned to compartmentalize the pain in my mind and separate my thoughts trying to block out the pain and focus on what needs to get done. In order to function in pain I might not talk much and I probably won't be smiling but I am still doing what needs to be done. Those who know me can always tell when my head hurts. Some days are easier than others. 

My self image is a deeper issue and I don't usually have much time to waste thinking about it. So when those negative feelings surface my husband is always there to remind me that I am beautiful and he loves me just the way I am. Thank God for my husband. {and thank God for make up}

Do you struggle with these same problems or feelings? Please feel free to share your story or mine. Just click on the links below to comment or share this post.