Monday, March 03, 2014

Motherly Love

Once upon a time, I had time for myself.  Now, my toe nails need some love.  My hair is neglected.  I can’t take a shower without an audience. Proof that somebody needs me.  Knocking on the door little fingers underneath...somebody always needs me.  There is so much to do for these little people that when I want to do something for myself I have so much guilt. (motherly guilt-another post) Or I am just too tired to do anything else.  
Somebody always needs a snack, a band-aid, a different sock, ice cubes in their water, a Toy, a tissue, a hug, a story, a kiss, a spoon, a bath,......  Some days never seem to end and it can really take its toll. Then, it all started to hit me, they need ME~Mommy.
Sometimes I enjoy being needed, but usually it is exhausting.  But, it isn’t meant to be enjoyed every moment. God made me their Mother.  It is a position I prayed for long before I would ever understand all that it would require of me.  And I have to admit this is the toughest job I have ever had. 
The sooner I can accept that means that I am never off the clock, the sooner I can find peace.   Being "Mommy" is a privilege and honor.  Being "Mommy" means I neglect myself and put others before my needs. My body is usually hurting but my heart is full of love.
Night time is the best. When my youngest crawls into bed with me. Who knows what time of night. He wraps his tiny arms around my neck and kisses me "I love you Mommy".
One day that little boy will grow up to be a man.  There will no longer be any sweet words whispered to me in the night.  Just the rain of the sound machine. I will sleep peacefully through the night, never a worry of a sick child or a crying baby.  It will just be a memory.  These years of being needed are exhausting.
I have to stop complaining of the lack of sleep and how hard some days can be. I am trying to savor every moment and enjoy the hugs and all the little things that come with each day. They grow up way too fast. I know I am going to miss these precious times so I am trying to focus on the good.  I don't have a career, my boys are my career. 
One day I will get myself back.  
But today I give myself away because they need me.
I am sure there will come a day when no one needs me.  Our boys will all be gone and busy with their own lives.  I will be in some nursing home watching my body wither away.  No one will need me then.  I might even be a burden to them.  Sure, they will come visit, but my arms will no longer be their home.  They won't need my kisses to cure their boo boos.  There will be no more tiny sticky fingers to wipe or shoe laces to tie.  I'm sure my heart will long to hear those tiny voices calling out to me, “Mommy!"